Conclusions

"It was now or never."

That's what the 47-year-old dentist from Erie said during breakfast yesterday as one explanation for why he decided to compete. But he did note that it's a hard question to answer and he even posed the same question to marathon runners and noticed how they, too, often have a hard time coming up with a coherent response.

Anyway, I don't want to belabor this point since I've given it plenty of treatment here, but I think that the now-or-never element is critical. I turn 42 in 2 days and somewhere in the murkiness of my mind was the thought that this year was probably a good time to take on this bodybuilding project. It wasn't going to get any easier at some other point in the future.

However, I've always been conflicted about this whole thing because of my shaky right arm. Working out in the gym with trainers is one thing, but putting it all up on the stage is quite another. I'm asking to be held to a standard that I really can't meet, in terms of presentation of myself. But I guess from the start, I decided to set that aside. The real goal was to improve my body and the only way that was going to happen was with the "threat of the stage," as I liked to refer to it, looming in the distance. Without that threat, maybe I'd eat the cookie or skip the gym on some days.

I wanted the body. And that's really where it all starts and stops. Nothing was going to stand in my way. I surrounded myself with trainers who were my enablers. I found great satisfaction in my progress and that became self-reinforcing. I also purged any negativity ("bodybuilding is stupid," according to my older son).

Why did I want the body? Hmmmm. That's a hard one. I suppose I have fundamental insecurities related to my shaky arm and I'm always searching for ways to negate it or cancel it out with other qualities - some cool shoes, jewelry, make-up, nail polish - anything to make it not the focal point. Having a great body screams that everything is okay. I may be a hemiplegic but hey, whatever. I steamroll right over that little inconvenience.

Any evidence that proves I'm actually succeeding at overcoming it is important to me. That won't ever go away.

What will I do next? is a question many people have been asking me. Bullfighting is what my husband jokes about. With bodybuilding, I've dabbled in a semi-extreme activity, but I'm not a thrill seeking, adrenaline addicted junky. I don't need to take it a step higher and further. I will stick to 4 times in the gym per week and I'll continue to eat well, according to my new understanding of what constitutes well. Other than that, I'll go back to writing my book now that I have some new material and a fresh perspective. My book is a memoir dealing with the stroke I suffered at age 10 and the lifelong pursuit of dealing with its consequences.

I've enjoyed sharing the details of my experiences here on this website (because I'm a writer and I like to write!) and I appreciate the readers who have followed it. The software supporting this blog allows me to track the number of readers and where they are from. The audience includes folks from Poland, U.K., Belgium, France, Italy, Israel, Spain, South Africa, Brazil and Japan. I have no idea how each of you found this site, but I'm glad you did.

My only advice: take some chances and show some strength.